Eggplant Emoji

The eggplant emoji thoroughly gets disrespected in my phone at least 2-3 times per day. I'm sure the makers of the emoji app didn't intend for it to be used to describe the most delicious part of a man's body. However, the strong resemblance has forced it to be the trending topic of many ratchet text messages as well as IG posts. Since were on this very interesting topic, I feel the need to gives updates on some of the eggplants in my life.

Jay Z seems to be the fan favorite so I'll start with him. I've allowed most of my friends to continue to believe that everything is still good between us but the truth is he has been consistently been dropping the ball. I threw him a slow underhanded pitch and he fumbled. I know I'm referencing two completely different sports right now but that's how our situationship is set up. We're on two completely different levels. Everything was great in the beginning! We saw each other almost everyday but now our encounters are basically non existent. As soon as I noticed he was starting to be distant, I got ghost. Jay Z noticed my lack of interest and invited me over to try to change my mind. I agreed to linking up with him because his head game is still fire and I thought it would be a suitable parting gift. When I got there I smelled candles burning and heard music playing in the background. Was this fool really trying to be romantic when he knew I was mad at him? Bruh just lick me so I can go home!  I could tell there would be no reconciliation of our issues if I left it up to him; so I immediately blew out the candles and hit him with the world's most annoying phrase, "We need to talk". He promised to do better but I haven't seen much effort on his end. He still sends me Good Morning texts everyday but they are followed by complete silence until the next morning. No worries though. The only man in my life that's irreplaceable is my father so I have absolutely no problem occupying my time with others until he gets his life together. Dah well! On to the next one.

Klark Kent has always been my back up bae but he's been acting really weird lately. When we first met I told him about my situation with Jay Z and he basically said that he didn't care. He was open and honest about his hoe-ish ways and there was no judgement on my end. We jokingly call each other Twin because we basically live the same lifestyle. But he seems to get a little jealous every time I spend time with other men. He's been trying to slide in little pet names in like "boo thang" and "baby" too and I'm thoroughly confused. A couple of months ago I told him that I was a "head no headache" type of girl which means that I'm not interested in being in a committed relationship. Klark, extremely turned on by my statement, ensured me that we were on the same page but I think he's starting to want more. The other day he opened up to me letting me know how good it feels to be with a woman that really understands him. In return, I opened my legs and climbed on top of his face. That was the only proper response I could think of at that moment because I desperately needed to change the subject. Although I do feel like he's the only one that understands me as well, I'm not about that girlfriend life. I have entirely too many issues that I need to sort through before I decide to invite anyone into my life. 

Speaking of issues, I recently did a little experimenting with a friend that shall remain nameless at this time. It was on some drunk stuff so I semi have an excuse. The problem is that I kind of want to do it again. This friend has DANGER written all over their body! This has to be the worst decision that I've made all year. I'm sure the consequences will be ridiculously overwhelming but that probably won't deter my continuos curiosity.

As the new year approaches, I've found myself evaluating my life choices. In addition to declaring to drop some pounds I need to drop some of these lame excuses for men as well. Their eggplants have been my choice of comfort food while trying to adapt to living in Atlanta. They seems to help me cope with my insecurities and lack of financial stability but it's about time that I change my eating habits.

“Food is the most primitive form of comfort.” -Sheilah Graham

Twitter: @Dope_Decisions

IG: @DopeDecisions

Blog: DopeDecisions.blogspot.com

Blog: DopeDecisions.wordpress.com

Hallelujah, Holiday Parties and Hoes

God is good, all the time, and all the time, God is good! I finally have a job! I had become abnormally brilliant at being a bum so this new job is definately a change of pace. I landed a position at one of the top HBCUs in the country. Although I’m extremely grateful that God has blessed me with some income, I’d be lying if I said I was completely in love with my job. I’ve been trying not to complain because having a job is way better than being broke. Also, this is only a temporary position so I won’t have to deal with the shenanigans for long. However, I’m not sure if constantly feeling like the Olivia Pope of my department is worth the few coins they throw at me every other Friday. I have to fix all the problems that arise and everyone’s lack of planning suddenly becomes my emergency. At least Olivia’s work environment provides her with stress relievers in the form of men. Don’t get me wrong there are some gorgeous guys here but the problem is they are more interested in my shoes than they are me. So the lack of love interests and the heightened stress level at my job have encouraged the party girl in me to come out more often.

Judy and I went out for Halloween a few weeks ago. As a child I was never really allowed to fully celebrate what was often referred to as the “devil’s holiday”. Now that I’m grown I took full advantage of finding a naughty costume and pairing it with some “come and get me” heels! Getting all dolled up and kicking it with my girls helped me get my mind off the woes of the workplace. I twerked my butt off that night and felt pretty darn good about my life choices. So good in fact that I decided to behave the exact same way at Judy’s office holiday party. It was there that I unwilling got chose by a lesbian and successfully eye banged the guy in the white and black bow tie. He is one of Judy’s coworkers and may need a nickname if he keeps flirting with me. Although he’s fine, I shouldn’t be trying to add anymore entertainment to my plate right now. Especially since my hoes are currently out of control.

All the men in my life have been acting up lately but one in particular is doing the most right now. This blast from the past has taken hoedom and disrespect to the next level. I cannot believe Usher just got engaged! I’m completely and utterly disturbed for two reasons. Number 1: I’m back in the Midwest for Thanksgiving and I only had two things on my mind: Fried turkey and Usher’s penis. I was gonna try to set up a secret rendezvous with him but now that’s clearly not gonna happen! Number 2: Although my character hasn’t been angel-like lately, specifically when it comes to men, I never have and never will sign up to be anybody’s side chick. Damn, now I’m really feeling like Olivia Pope except I had no clue that he had a girlfriend. Of course I knew I probably wasn’t the only one making him cum. However, I was under the assumption that he was just a hoe out here sowing his royal oats. But no, he was clearly cheating on his chick the entire time. I don’t get it. There are so many different types of situationships that this new world generation of Thots (that hoe over there) have created to make being committed a non-issue. So I’m having a hard time comprehending why he would intentionally be in a relationship with her when he knew he was going to mess around with me and all the others. We were going to have a threesome for his birthday for goodness sakes! I feel so sorry for his fiancé. I wonder if she knows about his infidelity. If the walls of his apartment could talk they’d tell tales of our shadows becoming one and of our moans disturbing the neighbors. If the walls of my playhouse could talk they’d be in therapy right now trying to erase the memory of his existence.

“Things are not always as they seem; the first appearance deceives many”-Phaedrus

Identity Theft

I haven't been feeling like myself lately. Somewhere along the drive from the Midwest to Georgia I lost my identity. The same Genesis that was a frequent church goer now makes frequent trips to the liquor store. Judy and I visit a different service every Sunday in hopes of finding a home church. Sadly, our Atlanta Church Tour has proven to be unsuccessful. I can't really find a church that I can connect with. I'm not sure if it's because I miss my home church or because I've fallen so far from glory that I'm unable to feel comfortable around other believers. My light is no longer shining brightly like theirs is. Mine is kind of flickering like ol' dude from The Last Dragon when he was about to fight Bruce Leroy.  I need Jesus more than ever right now!

My actions over the course of the past few weeks have been completely and utterly reckless. Although Jay-Z's tongue seems to be a pleasurable weapon of mass destruction, I shouldn't have allowed him to taste me so quickly. I've done some pretty off the wall things in my life but giving my body to a "stranger" takes the cake. I really like him but I'm afraid his image of me has been distorted. The other day I didn't respond to his Good Morning text so he followed up with a message that read: " Lol. I'm used to hearing from you in the morning so when I don't, I think you twerked and drank the night away". I was so embarrassed. Even though he began his text with an official "lol", which is normally used to numb the effect of the upcoming blow, my conscious was still disturbed. He can't be blamed for his ill perception of me because that's what I've been putting out in the atmosphere. I've drank about 15 bottles of wine in the 7 weeks I've been here. And the fact that he knows I take pole and floor dance classes every week is not helping either. I yearn for his acceptance but I believe my ratchetness is going to run him away sooner or later. In an attempt to try to avoid the future pain and embarrassment of losing him, I've been occupying my mind and my time with other men.

The last time I partied at Edgewood, my soror introduced me to her boyfriend's fraternity brother. He's tall with chocolate skin and dimples. He also has a strong, square chin that is reminiscent of a Super Hero's. I'd sign up to be Klark Kent's damsel in distress any day.  Apparently he had been asking my soror about me since the first time we met. She knew I was curious too so she set up a little get together for us to accidentally run into each other again. As soon as we locked eyes I knew I was in trouble. I have a horrible sweet tooth and chocolate has always been my choice of indulgence.  Klark poured me a drink then poured on the charm. I could tell that he's never been tamed by a woman and the idea of that challenge thoroughly intrigued me. After a few drinks we ended up  tasting each other's lips. The shenanigans surely continued for the rest of the night. There I was in the middle of the club kissing, grinding and rubbing on this chocolate man. He took my hand and moved it slowly down the imprint in his jeans. I felt like the Energizer Bunny because my hand kept going and going and going. He's blessed! I couldn't help but fantasize about all of the dope decisions that I could make with this third leg that I just discovered. The lack of discretion was somewhat alarming. Why was I so comfortable being "that" girl? Is this who I've become? I often feel like I'm taking selfies in a dirty, cracked mirror. My image tainted and my confidence is shattered. Unfortunately they haven't invented the filter that can cover up emotional scars yet. 

"I'm only a Sunday church party girl in a twisted ménage trios with a director and a rockstar!"

Situationships

I think Jay-Z is really in to me! We exchanged numbers on Friday night before I "played footsie" with the toe sucker. Jay-Z already had plans for Saturday but asked if he could take me on a date on Sunday after church. I was super excited. It felt good to be asked on a real date instead of being asked to just hang out. We went spiked punch tasting. As much wine as I drink you would think that my tolerance would be higher than it is. I was beyond tipsy at the tasting but managed to maintain my sexy by not stumbling over my words or my own two feet. One of the punches reminded me of the drink my Granny makes for us at Christmas dinner. She ain't slick! I had a feeling she was putting more than just pineapple juice in there. Although I wasn't acting a hot drunken mess, he could tell that I was feeling the alcohol so he took me to dinner to sober me up. He had the nerve to pay for dinner as well as pay attention! I know I shouldn't be this surprised but Gentleman are an endangered species nowadays. 

After dinner, we went back to his place for a night cap. Two movies, several forehead kisses and a back rub later, it was clear that I wouldn't be sleeping in my own bed that night. He kept his hands to himself but told me the dopest bed time story ever!  It consisted of his attraction for me and the things that he would do to me if given the opportunity. His words were reminiscent of the Phenomenal Woman poem; except his version had popped a few esctasy pills. My excitement leaked through my laced underwear as well as the basketball shorts that he let me borrow. It was clear that we both wanted the same thing but Genesis was in full control that night and didn't allow anything to happen. 

A couple of days later my presence was requested for another movie night. After 45 minutes of Siri's shenanigans, I finally made it to his place. He greeted me with a big hug and a kiss. We tried to watch the movie but it didn't end up working in our favor. We did, however, make love faces until about three in the morning. This was not supposed to happen. I'm in between waxes so my "lioness" was not as tamed as it needed to be. That didn't stop him though. He was fearless and definitely came dressed for battle. After we celebrated the triumph, I hopped in the shower to cleanse myself of my most recent impurities. I found myself laughing audibly about the irony that I had already named him Jay-Z. His reaction to my head game was equivalent to the Drunk In Love verse, "I do say it's the ish, if I do say so myself". But my laughter was soon silenced by what I like to call Basic Female Syndrome (BFS). It's when chicks feel the need to ask unnecessary questions like, "so what are we"? I've known this man for all of five minutes so I'd feel stupid asking him where this is going. A part of me was already feeling dumb for giving it up so easily and didn't need another dagger in my self esteem. However my Stunt Double was satisfied with life and went to bed without a care in the world. 

The morning after is always tricky. I got up, got dressed and left his apartment quickly as if I were late to work something. It reminded me of an episode of Martin because he was looking at me like "you ain't got no job man"! When I got home I looked at my phone to find a text message from him saying "You're amazing! I can't wait to see you on Thursday". Shoont! I forgot we had already made plans to watch Scandal prior to me letting him explore my body. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hang out with him again so soon. I didn't want him to expect anything or think that this is more than what it really is. Although my experiences with him have been wonderfully delicious, it doesn't negate the fact that we met about a week ago *insert shmoney dance here*. In Steve Harvey's best selling book, Think Like A Man, Act Like A Lady, he basically tells women that until your boo has truly fulfilled his destiny as a man, he will be too busy to focus on you. Well clearly the roles have reversed and I'm temporarily sabotaging myself because I'm not satisfied with my life. I've finally been receiving some positive feedback on my applications, but until I have a guaranteed salary and an insurance package I won't be able to fully focus on one man. Darn! So much for trying to turn a hoe into a Real Housewife of Atlanta. 

"Situationship (n.): dynamics that are based on sexual compatibility, habit, and fear of loneliness"

12-Hour Excursion

The issue with my tire had me all types of depressed. My car is the only thing around here that keeps me sane. It helps me get out the house after a long day of solitude and self reflection. I really didn't want to spend my Friday night feeling sorry for myself so I asked Judy if I could borrow her car. She obliged and by 10 pm I was "snatched" and headed out the door. My soror asked me to pick up Shemar Moore on my way to her apartment. There's only one word to describe Shemar.....Yum! He is light skin with pretty eyes and runs his own small business. Um where do I sign up? Within a few minutes of us being together I could tell there was a mutual attraction. This could be dangerous. As soon as we got in his apartment, he took off his shirt and walked around a few times pretending to look for something to wear. I knew his real motive and thanked him silently under my breath for the eye candy. The car ride was full of compliments and intelligent conversation. By the time we got to our destination I was feeling a little special. However, that feeling was short lived once I found out that all the compliments and energy he was giving me was far from being exclusive. He's a flirt and a good one at that. This was very evident by the smiles that he put on all the girls faces that night. I'm a flirt too so his actions didn't bother me. Especially since I was catching the attention of a few other guys that night as well.

After my crew took their rounds of tequila shots, we decided to head to the bars on Edgewood. We linked up with two other gentleman along the way. One of them basically ended up being Bae the whole night. I call him Jay-Z because he's grown and is about his business but still knows how to turn up! Plus, he's by far the dopest dude I've met in ATL since I've been here. We engaged in small talk as we waited to get inside the bar.  He used the crowded line as an opportunity to get close and accidentally rub up against me. I had no complaints. When we finally got inside the bar I couldn't seem to keep my booty off of him. Twerking has been a habit as of late. After about three solid twerk session he's whispering in my ear trying to get me to leave with him. Although talks of calling Uber and going to Waffle House sound enticing, it's best that we stay with the group. Besides it was about 4:00 AM and nothing holy nor acceptable happens at those hours of the night.

About an hour later we all finally got back to my soror's apartment. The crew dispersed and went their separate ways but I was exhausted so driving back to my place was completely out of the question. I found myself faced with the choice of sharing a bed with my soror or sharing the couch with Shemar. Of course my Stunt Double picked the second option. Two is her favorite number so it was only right. Besides, I figured we would just cuddle until we fell asleep but apparently he had other plans for me. He grabbed my ankles, pulled me toward him and began sucking my toes! I had no idea what was going on but was thoroughly thankful that I had gotten a pedicure earlier that week. The toe sucking experience was a great one but I felt like we weren't on the same page about what would happen next. In the midst of me slowly trying to remove myself from the situation I heard him unzip his zipper. Nervous energy overwhelmed my body. He grabbed my feet again and gently used them to give himself a foot job. This was my first time experiencing this style of sex. I love trying new things so I allowed him to temporarily use my feet for his pleasure. Sadly, this new experience didn't turn me on at all so I gave him the "let's not and say we did" speech then just went to sleep. I could tell he was salty but at that point I was just too tired to care. We returned back to our side of town around 10:00AM the next morning. He said less than five words to me the whole way back to his apartment. He claimed it was because he was sleepy but I know the truth. Dudes are quick to catch an attitude when you don't give them want they want. And I'm quick to cut people off when they start acting funny so it seems to me that this is a win win situation. Oh well, on to the next one.

It's a no text zone, it's a no sex zone, it's a no flex zone-Nicki Minaj

Displaced

The city of Atlanta houses many of the corporate offices for some of the top corporations in the United States. Earlier this week I received notification that my application to the headquarters of a fast food joint had been rejected. How does that happen? I mean seriously! Fast food is the guaranteed go to job when you're searching for employment. I understand the corporate office holds individuals to higher standards but I never imagined getting swiped denied by a fast food organization. I feel lower than low right now. It's not like I'm unqualified. I have a MBA for goodness sake! My pride won't let me call them and ask why they didn't want me. I need a drink in the worst way; however I've decided to abstain from wine this week after I drunk dialed Stephan and sent a tipsy text to my ex. Those drunken decisions are guaranteed to yield a couple of uncomfortable situations for me in the future. 

Speaking of uncomfortable situations, Judy dropped a bomb on me this week. More than likely she is going to be moving back to the Midwest very soon. She has a very legit reason for wanting to move. Honestly if I was in her situation I would leave too. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't selfishly sad right now though. She's been letting me occupy her guest bedroom so if she leaves before I have a job, I'm basically going to be homeless. Not to mention, she's my only friend here and I'll be super lonely when she's gone. I've already been missing my friends from back home but this makes me miss them that much more.

It also doesn't help that I've already been feeling like a half ass friend lately. My friend C.J. recently got engaged and I feel like crap because I can't be there to help her plan. I probably won't have enough money to fly back to watch her try on dresses or just help with the other regular best friend duties. She's always been there for all of my important moments and I feel like I'm dropping the ball right now. My other best friend, Destiny, is about to celebrate her bday and this will be the first time I won't be with her to hit our signature happy dance. All of my friends know that I treat birthdays like national holidays so the fact that I won't be there is eating me up on the inside.

So with no job, minimal local friends and potentially no where to stay, I must admit that I'm feeling a tad bit defeated. And on top of all that, I'm having issues with one of my tires and may need to buy a new one. That's an expense that I clearly wasn't prepared for.  I'm overwhelmed right now and just want to go to sleep. Prayerfully tonight's dreams will be better than today's reality.

Defeat should never be a source of discouragement but rather a fresh stimulus- Robert South 

I need a BAEcation

The guys here are different to say the least. I ventured out to Perimeter Mall the other day and counted at least 10 homosexuals in the 30 minutes that I was there. I couldn't stay long because my gaydar was about to shut down from information overload. Thank God my spidey senses actually work now because Lord knows I've been wrong before.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic at all. I actually enjoy a little gay energy every now and then. Their compliments make you feel like a billion bucks. A "Yaaassss Honey" from a gay man is a certified seal of approval! Although they are good for self esteem and entertainment purposes, they can not give me the male attention that my body is currently yearning for.

Lately, I've been experimenting with Tinder which to me is the world's most shallow matchmaking app. It's a platform for boredom and thirst in my opinion. It connects its users' Facebook profiles and allows the interested parties to send each other messages. The messaging section is filled with non witty comments and pleas to exchange phone numbers. Needless to say I'm extremely unimpressed with my matches (or Tinderonis as my friends and I like to call them). Judy is not a fan of social dating apps so she's been doing her due diligence to introduce me to some of the guys in her crew. The problem here is that most of these dudes have already smashed her homies. I know that Judy's friends are not necessarily my friends but I don't want to bump va jays jays with any female that will eventually be a part of my kick it circle.  That's extremely messy and I don't need that type of drama in my life. So with Tinder and these introductions being an epic fail, I have nothing left to do but fantasize about my faux boo.

Usher and I used to have a standing appointment every Tuesday. It's been exactly a month since the last time I mounted his Black Beauty and the withdrawal symptoms are definitely starting to kick it.  Oh how I've missed our weekly Turned Up Tuesday sessions. In preparation for our encounters I had to do a lot of stretching. That man use to fold me up like origami pieces and I loved every minute of it. I also made sure to eat fruit and drink plenty of water so that I would be deliciously moist for out upcoming appointment. I thoroughly enjoyed satisfying his sweet tooth with my tasty chocolate cake. Hmm maybe living in the Midwest wasn't so bad. Maybe I should have stuck it out, at least until cuffing season was over. Here I go doubting myself again. My lack of physical satisfaction has me all in my feelings. Hopefully I'll meet someone with potential soon. If not, I'll be on the first flight back to enjoy my own personal Usher concert!

The tragedy is when you've got sex in the head instead of down where it belongs- D.H. Lawrence